Why Do Moms Always Feel So Guilty?

For all the ways motherhood can be a beautifully transformative and growthy journey, it also comes with an unexpected, and unwelcome companion –

The ever-pervasive Mom Guilt.

Mom Guilt is the feeling of inadequacy, self-doubt, or remorse that so many mothers feel about your parenting decisions, actions, or perceived shortcomings.

It’s a common and often persistent emotion that can impact your self-esteem, your mental well-being, and your overall sense of confidence as a parent.

And for all moms, those feelings of guilt and shame can show up anywhere (and everywhere) –  

Like feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your children;

Or leaving them to go back to work;

Or missing their milestones;

Or making hard discipline choices;

Or being unable to meet unrealistic societal expectations of motherhood (like keeping a clean home, feeding them the best & healthiest diet, spending lots of quality time together, AND never losing your cool – all at once);

Or making choices that go against what other moms you know are doing;

Or (and sometimes especially) for prioritizing your own personal needs and self-care over the needs of your family at times.

Basically, mom guilt is the feeling you get any time you compare yourself to other moms, fear judgment or criticism about your decisions, or question whether or not you’re doing enough – you know, just another 5 minutes in the life of every mom.

But why do we feel guilty all the time?

There are many reasons why moms experience so much guilt, and underneath them all is usually the most important one that reflects the immense love and dedication you have for your children. But Mom Guilt is also very much influenced by societal and cultural expectations, and these are usually the basis for why so many moms are constantly second-guessing themselves.

Here’s a break down of some of the social and cultural norms or trends that result in all that pesky Mom Guilt –

Societal Expectations – Moms are bombarded with numerous expectations and ideals that portray an unrealistic image of the "perfect mother." From parenting styles to work-life balance, moms face constant pressures to meet societal standards, and when you deviate from these expectations, it’s easy to question your adequacy as mother.

Comparisons & Mom-Shaming – The era of social media has worsened the problem of mom guilt since there is a constant presence of information and images out there for moms to see and use to compare themselves with others. And because social media is typically only used to portray our lives in the best of light, it’s easy for moms to feel their parenting choices, milestones, and achievements are inadequate compared to others. The fear of being "mom-shamed" for decisions perceived as "wrong" only leads to more self-doubt and adds to the weight of mom guilt.

The Difficult Balance of Roles & Priorities – Modern moms often wear multiple hats, juggling the demands of parenting, career, relationships, and personal aspirations. The difficulty in striving to find balance in all these roles can trigger guilt when you feel like you’re falling short in one area (or more). The constant tug-of-war between all your responsibilities makes it impossible to escape feelings of guilt.

A Self-Critical Inner Voice – Moms feel guilty so much of the time, usually because you tend to be your own harshest critic. You set high standards for yourself, then blame yourself when you think you’re not meeting those standards (which were probably impossible to begin with). The inner voice of self-doubt and self-criticism fuels the guilt cycle, and can make it difficult to see and acknowledge what you’re actually doing well (with self-compassion!).

Sacrifices & Self-Care Neglect – Motherhood requires significant sacrifices, both personally and professionally for many moms. And culturally there are attitudes deeply rooted in our society that suggest a good mother is a selfless, self-sacrificing, and a “martyr” for her children and family. So naturally you feel guilty when you do try to prioritize one of your needs, and you always fear that it may come at the expense of your children's well-being. This self-sacrifice mindset neglects the critical importance of self-care for moms, and it only leads to more burnout and heightened mom guilt.

Yikes, no wonder moms somehow never feel good enough.

But, the good news is this –

Even if guilt is a common (albeit uninvited) companion on the motherhood journey (and one that’s probably not going anywhere anytime soon for you), it doesn't have to define your entire experience as a mom.

Recognizing that Mom Guilt is often based on unrealistic expectations & societal pressures can actually help you feel more confident in yourself and your role as a parent, and support you in breaking free from the mom guilt trap.

There are ways to manage Mom Guilt more effectively when you’re experiencing it too –  like practicing more self-compassion, challenging those unrealistic expectations & standards, and seeking support from other moms or resources that will help you focus on your own well-being.

By remembering that Mom Guilt is a normal part of the motherhood journey, you can better embrace the imperfections of parenting and celebrate more of the small victories everyday. And these are the first two steps to navigating Mom Guilt with greater resilience, and a healthier balance of joy & ease as a mom.

Is Mom Guilt something that’s weighing you down too much of the time? Get in touch with me! I know just the place to help you reframe your motherhood expectations and feel better about yourself as a mom.