Is It Okay if I Don’t Like Being a Mom?
ABSO(f-ing)LUTELY.
EVERY DAY in my work, I remind moms (always impassionedly, sometimes with a few choice words) that not all of us will have the same feelings or experiences when it comes to motherhood —
And that is most definitely more than OKAY.
Even if our culture and society often convey to us that motherhood should come naturally and that theres’s inherent joy in being a parent for everyone, it is perfectly valid if you don't enjoy being a mom or if you find it more challenging than you thought it would be.
Here are a few reasons why many moms don’t enjoy their experience of motherhood --
The Complexity of Motherhood – Truly, new motherhood is a complicated experience that involves a wide range of responsibilities, emotions, and challenges And each woman has her own unique preferences, strengths, and passions, so it’s entirely natural that we can all have feelings and experiences other than fulfillment or joy when it comes to parenting.
Also the work of motherhood is complex in its physical and emotional demands – it it very, very much like a job (which is why I never say “stay at home mom”), and the demands of the job often don’t fit with the personal temperament, desires, values or goals of the individual mother.
Societal Expectations and Pressures – Society often perpetuates expectations and ideals around motherhood, portraying it as a universally fulfilling and joyful experience – but these expectations often don’t align with individual experiences or realities. There are so many systemic pressures and oppressive limitations for the modern-day mother in our society, and moms often don’t have access to a full range of choices for their situation.
Choices like whether the mom can afford to work outside the home, if she must care for her young children at home, if she can pursue other interests or goals outside the home, or how much support with the work or time away from it that she gets – these are all complex realities that can generate validly negative feelings about the experience of motherhood for many women.
And,
Barriers to Self-Care and Well-Being – Women also often face traditional gender roles that place a higher emphasis on caregiving and nurturing others rather than prioritizing their own needs. This can create guilt or feelings of selfishness when women attempt to focus on self-care in order to enjoy their lives more. Traits like perfectionism, high self-expectations, and poor self-advocacy are socially common traits for women, and their implications (judgment, criticism or perceived failure) can make it very challenging for a woman to ask for what she needs to enjoy more of her own life.
Also, moms often juggle multiple roles and responsibilities (in addition to parenting – like household management, work outside the home, or caregiving for other family members), and the demands of these additional roles, combined with the guilt or selfishness about stepping away from them, can be a considerable barrier to their self-care and more joy as mom.
WHEW. No wonder so many mothers struggle to like being a mom.
But all in all, recognizing and acknowledging your feelings (no matter what they are) about motherhood is the first step toward taking care of yourself and cultivating more joy in your life. Being honest with yourself about your dislike for motherhood does not make you a bad mother, and it actually in fact is much healthier since having that self-awareness enables you address the emotions that are negatively affecting you.
When the feelings you have for motherhood are uncomfortable, it's so important to seek support, surround yourself with understanding individuals, and prioritize your well-being as you navigate your own unique journey. Your feelings as a mom are always valid and you are definitely not alone in them!
Feel like you need help identifying what you don’t like about motherhood, or support to remove the blocks to your joy? Reach out to me! I would love to help you grow more of the self-compassion and joy that is possible for you a mom!
