Are Moms Always the “Default Parent?”

Have you ever felt like you are the only one who can get anything done for your family? Or the only one who seems willing to?

 As mothers, it’s so common to find yourself in the role of the "default parent," shouldering the majority of childcare responsibilities and all the other work that goes along with providing for your family. And if you’re like so many of the moms I know who do, you also probably feel pretty frustrated by it –

 It’s just one more reason why motherhood can be so hard to enjoy sometimes.

But even though the default parent role for moms has deeply embedded social and cultural origins, it's important to know that you can absolutely challenge the norms that drive it and find a more balanced parenting dynamic (and joy as a mother!).

 In this blog, I'll explore why moms so often find themselves in the role of default parent and provide some practical tips on how to advocate for more shared responsibility with your partner in supportive and healthy ways.

What is a “Default Parent”?

In a traditional family dynamic, the default parent is typically the primary caregiver who takes on the bulk of child-rearing tasks like feeding, bathing, and attending to the child's emotional and educational needs.

The role may be assumed by one parent for reasons that are obvious or can’t be helped, like the other parent's long working hours, travel obligations, or lack of interest or engagement in parenting. But the role might also become more implicitly assigned to one parent because of other nuanced dynamics in the family system that are harder to detect.

Whatever the case, the term “default parent” means that an imbalance of parental duties has become appointed to one of the parents in the home – whether or not they wanted them.

Why is the Default Parent so often the Mom?

There are so many factors that account for why moms often become (or feel like) the default parent. And whether driven by long withstanding traditional, societal or cultural norms, or maybe because the mom is unknowingly reinforcing it for herself – all of them show up in the work I do with mothers nearly every day.

For one, traditional gender roles have led many to believe today that mothers are naturally more inclined and better suited to nurture their families due to their “maternal instincts.” Many assume that moms have an innate understanding of their child (more so than her non-birthing partner counterpart) that comes biologically from her pregnancy, postpartum and/or breastfeeding connection to them. This belief that moms “know what to do” is a big reason why many partners will defer to them for many of the parenting decisions and tasks, thereby reinforcing the process of mothers often becoming the default parent.

Also historically, women have been socially expected to focus on domestic and caregiving duties, while men are expected to financially provide for the family (or otherwise engage in activities outside the home). These assumptions continue to play out today for many families and are a significant influence on the perception (held by both men and women) that the mother should assume the role of the default parent.

Similarly, trends in the American workforce are also influenced by traditional gender roles, and the result can be unspoken (or in some cases overt) dynamics that push women to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. Things like maternity leave (or other) policies, gender wage gaps, and a societal expectation that a woman should prioritize her family over her career have all contributed to mothers being more likely to take on the role of the default parent.

Still another (and sometimes more complex) reason I see that moms become the default parent is because they too may be indirectly endorsing all these biased standards by basing their performance as a mother on an ability to measure up to them. All too often in my work I meet moms who are trying to be it all and do it all because they believe it’s what’s expected of them and they too have come to expect it of themselves. The result might then look like a mom who won’t ask her partner to step in, or receive help when it’s offered because she too has internalized the cultural and societal norms and feels like a failure when she struggles to manage the load – which only exacerbates the disparities all the more.

So How Do Moms Feel Being the Default Parent? 

Moms can feel so many different ways about being the default parent in their family, and these can vary depending on individual circumstances, personal preferences, and the level of support they receive. While some may get a sense of purpose and fulfillment of of the experience and embrace their role of being the default parent sometimes, many also feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and physically or emotionally drained at the same time.

And while some moms who take on the role of default parent may at times appreciate the sense of control and competence they feel in managing all the daily routines and family needs, it’s also very normal for moms to simultaneously experience resentment and frustration, or to feel undervalued or taken for granted in light of the imbalances.

 Whatever the feeling, it’s important to recognize that it’s ALL normal – and OKAY to not like it when that’s the case. Openness and honesty with yourself about how you’re feeling about your roles is essential to understanding your experience, so you can work on addressing any frustrations, and finding ways to create more balance where it may be needed.

Now What Do We Do About It? 

While the roots of moms becoming the default parent are planted in larger and long-established trends, the movement toward more awareness and advocacy for shared parenting and gender equality in caregiving is growing. Many families (maybe like yours!) are already doing their best to strive for more equitable distribution of parenting responsibilities every day. But there is always work that can still be done – especially if you as a mom keep finding yourself (unhappily) in the default role again and again.

If this is you, here are a few ways to begin to challenge the imbalances, promote a healthier involvement from your partner, and find relief in sharing more of the parenting load.

Communicate Your Needs & Expectations – Reflect on the division of parenting responsibilities within your own household. Consider all that needs doing, and discuss together with your partner what the expectations are that you each have for yourselves and each other. If these feel inequitable to you, try to openly and honestly express what it’s like for you to carry the weight of these differences, and invite your partner to work together with you to find more balance.

Then regularly engage in more open and honest conversations with your partner about your individual needs, challenges, and aspirations as parents. Seek to understand each other's perspectives and find common ground for the shared responsibilities.

Share Decision-Making – Involve your partner in decision-making processes related to parenting, such as establishing routines, making choices about education and extracurricular activities, and setting boundaries. Encourage equal participation and input from them whenever possible, and encourage your partner to engage in this process by reminding them that they and their parenting involvement matter.

Be Flexible and Adaptable – Recognize that there may be different ways of accomplishing tasks and your partner's approach will likely differ from yours (not necessarily for the worse either!). Embrace flexibility and avoid micro-managing your partner’s involvement so you can support and cultivate their confidence and willingness to step in. Respect their parenting style and allow them space to develop their own unique bonds with the children.

Create Opportunities for Fun Parenting – Ensure you both have opportunities to spend meaningful and fun time with the children too! Whether creatively folded into the schedule of regular duties (like making a game out of chores and tasks), or by seeking other new and fun experiences together outside the parenting routine – prioritizing time to share in fun experiences with the children strengthens all the family relationships and leverage more readiness (maybe even enthusiasm!) to share in the mundane tasks too.

Seek External Support – When all else is still challenging, consider seeking support from other family members, from friends and community, or from other resources to lighten the parenting load. Even if you’re only able to talk about your feelings and not actually get any tangible, hands-on help – sometimes just naming the disparities in your partnership and expressing what it’s like for you to carry such a heavy load can feel supportive and lightening.

Overall, there may not be any real way for moms to side-step becoming the default parent at times — or the mix of complicated feelings that comes with the disproportionate load associated with this role. But it also doesn't have to be an unchangeable reality for you, or mean that you’re just fated to always endure the heavy load alone.

By actively and supportively challenging traditional gender roles inside our relationships, creating opportunities to share parenting responsibilities with our partners (sometimes by letting go of them), and getting support when we’re struggling to figure out how to advocate for ourselves – we can create a more balanced, meaningful and joyful experience as a mother.

Do you need help lightening your own load as the default parent and mom? Reach out to work with me! I love supporting mothers in rewriting a more modern day script for motherhood.