Lonely Motherhood — When Moms Have No Village

For all the ways motherhood brings new experiences of love and connection, it can also be an incredibly overwhelming and lonely time for many moms – especially those who have limited support.

Limited support for moms can mean a number of things, like having few social or emotional outlets to process how you’re feeling; or having a partner who is absent, unavailable, or unwilling to pitch in and share the load of parenting; or it might mean having no family or others to step in when there’s a childcare or other support need. Whatever the case –

Motherhood without a village is a very hard and lonely road.

The reality is that even just a little support can really have a very big impact on your well-being and overall experience as a mom. So when there is very limited or even none to speak of, the result is just as significant — only in a much graver way.

For one, raising a child requires immense physical and emotional energy, and when moms lack support from family or friends, you have to carry the burden of the caregiving responsibilities alone. This can lead to exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, as you juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities without relief. The absence of support can also exacerbate mental strain, and the risk of increased anxiety, depression and/or feelings of inadequacy are higher too.

It’s also very common for moms to feel exhausted and overwhelmed with managing all the caregiving duties when you get no help with practical tasks like household chores, meal prep, or running errands. This lack of support further makes it hard (if not impossible) to find the time to address your own needs or take breaks to enjoy the activities that actually recharge and rejuvenate you for the job. In this way, the relentless and unsupported demands of parenting can leave you feeling very emotionally drained and depleted much of the time.

With no support network, moms additionally have fewer resources for reliable information or the opportunity to learn from the stories or experiences of others. Having fewer outlets from which to seek guidance when you have questions or concerns means sometimes you’re left to problem solve parenting challenges all alone and much less effectively.

And finally — as if all these ways weren’t hard enough already — moms who don't have nearby family, friends or a supportive partner to lean have fewer (or no) opportunities to share your joys, your wins, or the challenges and concerns of motherhood with either — and this is perhaps the most lonely part of it all.

If this is you, mama, please know that I see you.

I understand what it’s like to have no one to call over to hold the baby while you take a nap, or run out for a coffee or a Target drive-by. I know it can seem like you’re the only one who has no help, and that none of your friends understand how it feels to carry the load of motherhood by yourself. I know what it’s like to feel so annoyed or defeated when someone suggests that you “take a night (much less a weekend) away for yourself.” And I know what it’s like to so desperately want to call on help, but feel too anxious — you’re unsure who you can even really trust, or how much energy it will take from you to even find that new connection.

But even if all these challenges of having little to no support can feel so very overwhelming or sad, I also want to share that there are ways to cope, in even the most bleak of circumstances.

Here are a few gentle places I’d offer where you can start to grow more support –

 1. Acknowledge Your Feelings — The first step in coping with limited support is to acknowledge how you feel. It's okay to be overwhelmed, frustrated, resentful, angry or even sad that you have no help. Recognize that it's natural to long for more support and community during this transformative time in your life, and give yourself permission to feel and express those emotions however you need to. By acknowledging and bringing self-compassion to your real experience (vs. trying to minimize it away), you're taking an important step toward finding solutions and getting the support you need.

2. Reach Out to Faraway Connections — Even if you don’t have immediate family or a solid network of support nearby, don't overlook the encouragement that faraway connections can provide! Consider reaching out to those who have been important to you in the past, even if time or distance have come between you. Sometimes all that’s needed is a simple phone call, text, or direct message on social media to reconnect with a familiar voice and the care that someone out there still feels for you.

3. Seek Out Local Resources & Online Communities — Local resources like support groups, parenting classes, or mother-baby groups can offer companionship, education, and a chance to meet other moms in similar situations. They also can provide you with a sense of belonging, and help you build connections that support you in feeling less alone in the journey. In today's digital age, online communities can sometimes be a lifeline for many moms who otherwise find it hard to get out of the house. You can also look for online forums, social media groups, or parenting communities as a place to connect with other moms who are going through similar experiences. My Moms in Bloom weekly support group and Moms in Bloom Collective (a private Facebook community moderated by me!) are a couple resources I offer just for this reason.

4. Cultivate Tiny Moments of Mindful Self-Care Wherever You Can — Taking care of yourself is essential, even (and especially) if your support is limited. You can learn to build self-care into your day by looking for even the smallest of opportunities to practice activities that nourish your mental, emotional, and physical health. Whether it's a mindful moment in the shower, a sensory walk through nature, or a short but intentional moment of reflection — a regular self-nurturing practice will strengthen the relationship you have with your self, and little by little help to renew the energy that’s required of you to meet the demands of parenting alone.

5. Consider Professional Support — Sometimes, professional support can be immensely beneficial for moms who have no one else to talk to or get help from. The help of a therapist, motherhood coach, or support group can all provide you with a safe space for you to explore your feelings, learn coping strategies, and develop an action plan that’s tailored to your unique needs. Seeking out help is a measure of strength in motherhood, and also one of the greatest gifts you can give your family (who benefit from a more resourced and resilient you too). Besides my own support offerings, Postpartum Support International (PSI) is another great resource for support – they have peer and professionally-led group options, chat with an expert Q&A sessions, and a support helpline, where you can always find the warm reassurance of someone who understands on the other end of the line.

In conclusion –

For moms who have little to no nearby family or other support, even the best of days can be the hardest struggle. But the overwhelm and loneliness of having no support in motherhood doesn’t have to define your journey. In those moments of utter exhaustion when you find yourself feeling the distance and longing for your own village – remember that you're not alone in your loneliness, and that there are many other moms out there who feel a lot like you do.

When you are able to acknowledge your feelings, lean on the support systems that are available to you, and reach out to connect with the community around you (near or far), however that’s possible for you, the struggles will feel less hard – and your ease as a mom will grow too.

Do you need support with feeling less alone in motherhood? Reach out to work with me. I have so much compassion to share with you for all you’re experiencing.