Stop Second-Guessing Your Way Through Motherhood and Feel Good Enough Instead
For many moms, one of the worst growing pains of new motherhood can be the hard blow that happens to your self-esteem and self-confidence. Because women are socially conditioned to please others, it makes a lot of sense that as a mom you’re always trying to do the “right thing” even more. But when you’re just starting out in the unfamiliar landscape of early parenthood (without a roadmap no less) – it’s treacherously easy to slip into more self-doubt than you’ve ever experienced before. (More on how “motherhood is rotten for a woman’s self-esteem” here).
Even if you’re like many of the moms I know who read all the how-to books, listen to all the parenting expert podcasts, and take all the classes to prepare – it’s still impossible to ever feel truly “ready” for motherhood, or to know how to manage all the doubts and questions that come up for you early on in the transition.
There is so much to learn in motherhood – it’s inevitable that at some point you’ll feel much uncertainty about your changing self, your growing responsibilities, and how to keep up with both.
According to this article, “Motherhood imposter syndrome” is what often comes next for many moms. Motherhood imposter syndrome is what happens when your negative beliefs and doubts about yourself get so loud that they lead to constant questioning if you’re doing enough, giving enough, or trying hard enough as a mother.
With the moms I support, I refer to it as the “Mom-Imposter” mindset, and this devious version of self-doubt can actually lead to something even more concerning, like an anxiety or depressive disorder, too.
Here are some of the signs you may have “Mom-imposter” mindset and are second-guessing too much of yourself –
You’re talking negatively to (or about) yourself all the time
You’re always trying to be perfect
You’re having difficulty asking for help
You feel like a failure
You compare yourself to others and always feel worse when you do
You minimize your own accomplishments
You constantly worry about being judged
You’re isolating yourself from others
You’re having trouble sleeping
If any of these sound like you, it’s important to get professional support right away so that the Mom-imposter mindset doesn’t make you any more miserable than you may already be feeling. Reach out to me if you need help getting connected!
Where Does Mom-imposter Mindset Come From?
There are so many reasons why moms believe they’re not good enough, second guess themselves and feel like an imposter.
For one, there are many social and cultural norms that portray an over-idealized image of what a "good mother" looks like. But in a social world where these norms are constantly changing, there is no one real definition of what a “good mother” even means. So until we begin to collectively reject values like perfectionism, high performance, and achievement in our society, moms may always feel at least a little bit like they’re falling in some way.
Another reason for Mom-imposter mindset is the deep fear of making mistakes that’s common in motherhood. Mothers often have high expectations and put immense pressure on themselves to do everything perfectly, out of fear that any misstep or wrong decision could have long-lasting negative consequences for their child. As a result, they will often be very critical of themselves, focusing on perceived failures or shortcomings rather than acknowledging what is going well. This self-imposed pressure can lead to more feelings of self-doubt and failure, even when they really are doing their best (and enough).
One of the most impactful causes of a Mom-imposter Mindset though (according to this article), is “society’s expectation that women are born to be mothers, and when the time comes it’s expected that the transition will come naturally and seamlessly.” When mothers don’t receive adequate validation that new motherhood is an incredibly hard transition, it only reinforces their tendency to believe they must be doing something wrong or that they’re not good enough in some way. The fatigue and overwhelm that come with the hard work of motherhood clouds their own judgment too, making it even harder for moms to see their unique capabilities in the face of all the impossibly high (or just plain wrong) standards of motherhood.
Wherever it comes from – a Mom-imposter mindset will definitely affect anyone who experiences it, and it most certainly will steal the ease you could be feeling in motherhood if left unchecked.
So How to Stop Second-Guessing Yourself and Feel Good Enough Already?
The good news is that there are ways to deconstruct the “Mom-imposter” mindset and start believing that being “good enough” as a mother is actually pretty great.
Here are a few ways to get started –
1) Identify the Signs of Second Guessing – If you notice your thoughts are highly self-critical, or you find it’s hard to see the good in what you’re accomplishing every day, you may need more support. Like with any experience, it’s so important to acknowledge and find a safe place to process your feelings. Talking about it with your support network, other moms you trust, or with a specialized professional are all great ways to identify and begin healing from “Mom-imposter” mindset.
2) Challenge Your Self-Comparisons – Self-doubt is really only made worse when you look to other mothers to assess how well you’re measuring up, especially when you only focus on their successes and your own shortcomings. The internet and social media today have made this tendency all too prolific a trend, and we should ALL know by now how sneaky those “perfect mom” IG accounts can be (here’s one more proof that it’s actually terrible for your mental health, though, just in case you need it).
Challenging your self-comparisons means reminding yourself that you’re not really seeing the whole picture for another mom or how she’s feeling on the inside. Remember that all moms struggle and probably feel they’re not good enough in some way, just like you. Then reframe your impressions with curiosity instead (i.e., “What is it about that mom that appeals to me?”) vs. judgements of what it might negatively mean about you. When used constructively, social comparisons can actually give you a lot of really good and helpful information about yourself!
3) Practice “Good Enough” Thoughts – Remember that there’s no “right” way to be a mother, and children grow up to be loving, responsible human beings all the time, even if they were very differently parented. Your children don’t need you to be perfect, and if you’re worried that you should be, then you’re probably far exceeding what they do need from you already in the first place.
Try instead to look for all the ways you are showing up for your children responsively and supportively. Notice all the ways that you are the one that knows them and how to support what they need best of all. And pay attention to all the ways they affirm everyday their love for you and how you are the perfectly imperfect mother for them. *Pro tip – Often, writing 2-3 of these self-affirming observations down every day for a while is a great way to grow a healthier mindset and really start to feel more ease and confidence as a mother too.
Conclusion –
Even if the pervasiveness of “motherhood imposter syndrome” in our society means that odds are likely you too will experience it at some stage of your journey, you don’t have to give in to its demands.
While it's natural to experience self-doubt as a mother, especially as a new mom, the persistent feelings of inadequacy and failure are not a healthy (or happy) way to earn your motherhood stripes. Learning instead to trust yourself, accept your flaws, and celebrate even the smallest ways you are the best mom your children can have –
These are the keys to growing into (and enjoying) your role as a mother.
Do you need support breaking down the “Mom-imposter” mindset so you can trust just how amazing you already are? Reach out to work with me! I’d love to help you grow your confidence and nurture the belief that you too are so much more than a (good) enough mom.
