Un-Happily Expecting – The Truth About Pregnancy and Motherhood Ambivalence

What have I done?

My life is over.

I’m just not ready.

I’m so awful for feeling this way!

What is wrong with me?

These are just a few of the painful thoughts and feelings I hear from newly expectant moms sometimes. They are so sure that learning you're pregnant should fill you with joy and excitement – but they actually feel terrified, or even panicked, and they wonder if they have just made the biggest mistake of their lives (whether or not they were trying to get pregnant).

The truth is – so many expectant mothers experience anxiety or ambivalence in pregnancy.

 Generally, studies (like this one) suggest that between 20 to 40% of pregnant women have anxiety or depressive symptoms at some point during their pregnancy journey. And this article points to a study that indicates as much as 55% of pregnant women feel ambivalent about their pregnancy too. In any case, I would say that these are just the women we know of who are being honest about their experiences, and I would be willing to bet it’s many, many more who feel these ways in reality.

What is Pregnancy Anxiety?

Pregnancy (or antenatal) anxiety is the worry, fear, and/or stress that so many expecting mothers experience. It can occur at any point during pregnancy and manifest in a range of ways or severity. At its height, acute anxiety in pregnancy could come with significant symptoms like panic attacks, specific phobias related to pregnancy or childbirth, or obsessive-compulsive tendencies about the baby's well-being. But mild to moderate anxiety in pregnancy can also more commonly feel like never being able to relax, feeling fear or dread about your changing body, emotions and social roles, or just generally worrying about the major transition that is happening in your life.

It’s so important to know that you don’t need to have severe anxiety symptoms to be deserving of support for anxiety in pregnancy.  If your feelings of worry, fear or stress are pervasive and bothersome to you, please seek help right away! With support, you will feel better.

Where Does Anxiety in Pregnancy Come From?

For some women, anxious pregnancy may be the result of a prior history of anxiety, depression, or other mental health condition – after all, pregnancy is one of our most momentous life transitions, and the stress of all that change can trigger a recurrence of symptoms in many women (not always, but the risks here are higher).

Also, factors like pregnancy complications, high-stress environments, a lack of social support, other major life changes happening simultaneously, or a previous traumatic birth experience can all contribute to heightened anxiety levels for expecting moms as well. 

First-time mothers often experience higher levels of pregnancy anxiety too, as the new experience of pregnancy and impending motherhood is unfamiliar and physically, mentally and emotionally overwhelming for many new moms.

Still, there is another complexity to pregnancy for many, many women, whether or not they have had previous children, wanted pregnancy, or had other risk factors. This is a feature of pregnancy and motherhood that not enough of us are acknowledging, and for this reason it may have more to do with pregnancy anxiety than we realize (I have a hunch it does) –

I’m talking about Maternal Ambivalence. 

Maternal ambivalence is the experience of mixed feelings or conflicting emotions about becoming a parent, or the role and demands of motherhood. And in today’s society, with all the misleading and over-idealized standards of motherhood we’re up against – it’s a pretty taboo topic.

There is such a vast range of feelings that naturally come with growing a family – truly a rollercoaster of emotions at times. Sometimes pregnancy does bring feelings of joy, excitement, anticipation about meeting your baby, and a deep yearning to become a mother. But at the same time, you might also feel tremendous fear, uncertainty, or doubts about your ability to handle the responsibilities — or even depressed and distraught about all the ways your life is changing. All of these are feelings are so normal and okay.

But the contradictory nature of such incongruent feelings about pregnancy can actually create a deep, uncomfortable tension for an expecting mom, both psychologically and emotionally. And this is where even more anxiety happens for a growing mom, as she adjusts to the usual worries of pregnancy and now also has to manage her “feelings about her feelings.”

As for those misguiding societal norms that tell us how we “ought to” be feeling? Well they are the reason the topic of maternal ambivalence is so taboo. Many expectant moms feel like a failure, and ashamed of their reaction to pregnancy when they judge their own negative feelings about pregnancy as something wrong with them. This shame and guilt are why it can be so hard to admit your emotions even to yourself, let alone to anyone else – and this stigmatized silence only amplifies the anxiety you are feeling all the more.

It’s thought that maternal (or parental) ambivalence is actually a helpful part of the developmental process of new motherhood (like Alexandra Sachs talks about in her book, “What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood.” In this article, Sacks suggests that the ambivalence actually “helps prepare you for a very important part of parenting,” which is the separation of your self from your child. But for an expecting mom with so many intense and confusing thoughts already, it can be pretty hard to reconcile the discomfort of your polarized feelings. 

If this is you, it’s so important to know that conflicting emotions in pregnancy can exist at the same time, and do not mean something is wrong with you. You can absolutely “hold both positive and negative feelings toward pregnancy, without having one be ‘truer’ or more consistent than the other” (like this article reassures for us).Experiencing ambivalence about pregnancy does not mean you won’t love or bond with your child, or that you won’t be a good enough mother – it simply reflects the incredibly complex and transformative nature of the parenting journey, which will inevitably bring up anxiety and doubt for anyone! 

Embracing your anxiety or ambivalence about motherhood with self-compassion and willingness to talk about your feelings is essential to processing your experience. Recognizing and acknowledging your feelings can actually feel empowering and help expectant mothers navigate the emotional roller coaster of motherhood with more confidence and resilience. If you are a new (or new again) mom who is fretfully questioning motherhood for yourself, keep reading for a few more ways to cope with the discomfort of pregnancy anxiety and maternal ambivalence.

How to Cope with Pregnancy Anxiety and Ambivalence –

 Remember Your Feelings Don't Define You – Your feelings during early pregnancy don't determine who you are or what kind of mother you will be. If you don’t feel overjoyed at this moment (or even feel dismayed), it doesn't mean you will be a terrible parent. It's normal and OKAY to experience a lackluster or even dreadful reaction to motherhood. Trust that your emotions are temporary states and give you information about yourself in this moment, but they don’t define your worth or value as an individual OR a growing mother. Becoming a mother is a gradual process, and like any new skill or endeavor, it takes time for the confidence and self-assurance to develop.

Challenge Your Expectations of Motherhood – Society has built unrealistic expectations of growing mothers, and this can show up in your belief that you should be feeling ecstatic or elated about impending motherhood. Societal norms of motherhood are based upon long standing historical, cultural and social trends that are always evolving. For moms today, they have become over-idealized and inflated, and can lead to shame, guilt, and self-criticism when you feel like you’re not measuring up. Try to remember that these ever-changing societal norms don't actually define you, your experience, OR who you will be a as a mother either. YOU get to decide this for yourself.

Acknowledge Your Feelings & Release Self-Judgment – Take time to understand what emotions are coming up for you, rather than suppressing the discomfort of them. Identify what real concerns or worries you have about the pregnancy and motherhood journey, as it can actually be empowering when you “name to tame” the feelings. Recognize that it's normal to feel nervous, sad, terrified, or even indifferent at times. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without judging yourself, which helps to also release the guilt and shame surrounding your emotions that make you feel even worse.

Get Support From Others – I know talking to others about your feelings can be terrifying, especially if you worry they might judge you or react in a way that you can’t cope with yet (like the ubiquitous “Congratulations!” or someone’s perplexed confusion). But sharing the vulnerability of your true experience can actually validate your feelings for yourself, release the burden of carrying the experience alone, AND allow others the opportunity to support you (vs. the certain isolation of keeping your feelings to yourself).

Start by sharing with your most trusted friends, family, or other supports to get comfortable talking about your feelings. You can also reach out for support from a trained professional who helps you build valuable tools to cope with your thoughts and anxiety more effectively. Support groups for expectant mothers are an excellent resource as well, since they provide both the safe space to share your feelings and feel validation and reassurance from others who have experienced similar emotions.

Practice Self-Care – Finally, an important step to managing the discomfort of anxiety or ambivalence in pregnancy is to prioritize self-care activities that help you relax and stay grounded. Continue to engage in whatever activities you can that feel good and bring you comfort during your pregnancy, and also take care to meet the needs of the emerging new parts of yourself with responsive attentiveness.  

This might look like continuing to make time for exercise, friends and community (whether or not they are mothers too), or hobbies that bring you joy. It might also look like taking necessary steps to care for your body and the pregnancy, like making that initial doctor’s appointment and getting professional support for your feelings. The key is to attune yourself to what you actually need, now more than ever, and prioritize the steps that help you nurture your well-being through this difficult (but also temporary) time.

Conclusion –

Above all, if you are an anxiously expectant new mom feeling a flood of ominous emotions about looming motherhood, I want you to hear this –

Anxiety and ambivalence in pregnancy is NORMAL, and you are not alone in this experience.

Pregnancy and motherhood may often be misrepresented as a time of pure joy and excitement, but for most expectant mothers, the reality is much more complex. Maternal ambivalence is a predictable experience during pregnancy and one that’s certain to intensify the unescapable anxiousness that is becoming a mom. That’s why it’s essential to be kind to yourself during this transformative phase of life and remember that your emotions are valid, temporary, and manageable with support.

If you find yourself struggling with conflicting emotions and questioning yourself as a growing mother, don’t wait to address your feelings. When you acknowledge your feelings, seek support, and begin to more effectively cope with ALL the emotions you are experiencing, you will feel better – and your confidence and ease in the journey will also grow!

Do you need support learning how to embrace the gradual process of becoming a mother in all its clashing complexity? Reach out to hear more about my Un-Happily Expecting support group, or a one-on-one coaching spot that could be just what you need. I’d love to help you cultivate more ease and self-assurance in your early bloom of motherhood.