More on Maternal Ambivalence —
In my last blog, I talked about how common it is for expecting women to feel a rollercoaster of emotions, and even serious doubts about the decision to become a mother.
As if those rising HCG levels (and nausea, food aversions, bloat, constipation, oh so many tortuous other symptoms) weren’t uncomfortable enough, the adjustment to those earliest moments of motherhood can be excruciating when you’re not even sure you’re ready to dive in!
But for some women, the news of pregnancy is actually an exciting and joyful experience. Especially if it’s something you planned and yearned for, for a very long time, many aspects of anticipating motherhood might have felt positive, or even blissful for you. (It’s true, there are some women who actually feel better than everwhile pregnant).
Yet even for these and many, many other moms who felt so sure at one point of the role you were stepping into, maternal ambivalence can still eventually take up residency in your daily life.
Maternal ambivalence is the experience of contradictory feelings or conflicting emotions about the role and demands of motherhood.
And no matter where you are in your journey – it’s always a taboo topic.
There are so many cultural and societal standards that tell women today that you will (or “should”) love being a mother, that you are made for the role, and that it naturally brings you immense pleasures or joy. So when you (like me) actually find the job of it to be a struggle, burdensome, monotonous, depleting, even loathsome at times – it can be so isolating and shameful to admit that you are anything but gratefully happy.
That’s when the naturally incongruent feelings about motherhood can become a very uncomfortable tension for a mom.
But the truth is, the maternal experience is wrought with paradoxical emotions –
Motherhood can feel like love, joy, and gratitude for your life… AND anxiety, frustration, and anger for everything that’s so hard about it.
Motherhood can feel like the sweetest adoration and devotion to your child… AND bitterness or resentment that they demand so much of you.
Motherhood can feel like yearning, even needing for your child to be close to you… AND like you might explode if they touch you one more time.
And, motherhood can feel like deep gratitude for this life you get to create and live as a mother… AND a deep grief and sadness for the parts of your self that you must surrender to do so.
All these contradictory feelings are normal — even to be expected in the arduous growth and transformation that a mother faces in your journey. And actually, feeling mixed emotions is a very normal part of just being human too.
So, why don’t we normalize the inconsistency of emotions, and start validating the maternal ambivalence that is so inextricable of motherhood?
If you too are a mom fretfully questioning all the contradictory emotions in motherhood – it’s so important to remember that conflicting feelings DO exist at the same time. And you don’t have to spend any more energy fighting the exhausting war that is trying to reconcile them. Allowing ALL your emotions to be true is essential to coping with (and de-stigmatizing) the uncomfortable experience of maternal ambivalence. And when you meet these feelings with more compassion for yourself, you will feel better.
(Your fullest, most joyful self as a mom can begin to grow too!)
Do you need support learning how to embrace the journey of motherhood in all its clashing complexity? Reach out to hear more about working 1:1 with me. I would so love to help you quiet the ambivalence, discover more ease, and grow your fullest and most joyful self as a mom.🌷
