Mom Rage Is Real

If you’re a mom like me, you have probably been there too –  

The clock is ticking, and you have 5 minutes to get where you’re going.

Your son is refusing to brush his teeth.. again.

The dog just tipped over her water bowl and the floor’s all a mess.

Your daughter is wiping it up, frantically trying to help.

You’re feeling so guilty, you know she senses your stress!

But all you can think is, “We’re going to be late! Don’t forget the lunches!”

Now it’s five minutes past the time you should have been out the door.

And your son needs to change his pants… again!

You feel hot – like your head is going to explode.

You really didn’t want it to go this way, you’ve been trying so hard to keep your calm.

But here it comes…

You fly off the handle in a fit of fury at all of them. Again.

It’s MOM RAGE. 

Mom rage is the intense outbursts of anger or frustration experienced by many mothers. It’s often characterized by an overwhelming surge of negative emotions that can manifest as yelling, snapping, or feeling out of control in response to various triggers. And it’s is always the result of cumulative stress, exhaustion, and the relentless demands of motherhood. (This article says more about how to know when mom rage is a mental health issue that needs professional support).

The triggers for mom rage can vary from person to person, but common factors include sleep deprivation, lack of self-care, feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities, constant multitasking, and the pressure to meet societal expectations of being a perfect mother.  These triggers can push you to a breaking point, leading to sudden and intense outbursts of anger that may be directed toward your children, partners, or even yourself.

If this sounds like you, I so want you to know mama that You Are Not Alone.

And you are definitely not a bad mom.

It's so important to understand that mom rage doesn’t mean you don’t love or care for your children. Instead, it’s really a symptom of the immense pressure and emotional strain that comes with motherhood and a sign that you too are being impacted (I agree with this article, that we really should be normalizing Mom Rage more).

If you’re like me, fits of mom rage are always accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, and regret. As a mom who loves my children with every fiber of my body (so much that it hurts sometimes), I always struggle to reconcile my anger with my values of being a loving and patient parent. But what helps me is to remember that I find myself in these fits of rage due to the pressure I constantly put on myself to be patient because I care so much for them. And that actually means I’m a good mom deep down.

Still, I don’t like the way it feels and nor do any of the moms I support who struggle with mom rage too. But there are definitely ways to support yourself and work to lessen the instances of mom rage, and it starts with beginning to understand (and feel compassion for) its very real underlying causes.

Why Mom Rage Happens –

Exhaustion –  The demanding nature of motherhood often leads to disrupted sleep patterns and over-exertion of energy levels, leaving us chronically drained both physically and mentally. Sleep and rest deprivation can lower our patience levels and make it more challenging to regulate our emotions, meaning moments of Mom Rage are all the more likely to surface.

A Stress Response – Juggling multiple responsibilities as a mom – like managing the household, caring for your children, anticipating and planning for everyone’s needs, and so much more – can all lead to a constant state of stress. The result is an accumulation of stress hormones in your physical and emotional body that build up over time and have direct physiological impacts. So when you are triggered, the anger and behavior that follows is actually in part a direct stress response (like this article suggests) to the situation.   

The Lack of Self-Care –  As moms, we often prioritize the needs of our families (and everyone else) above our own. This means our own well-being and nourishment comes last, if at all, for so many moms. But this neglect to take care of yourself will always lead to emotional exhaustion burnout, which means more difficulty with your thinking, more mood swings, and a reduced capacity to manage your emotions effectively.

Unrealistic Expectations of Mothers – Society often places unrealistic expectations on mothers to be perfect in every way, and moms themselves internalize this pressure. Moms try to do it all and be it all to live up these standards, then ultimately feel like failures when you inevitably can’t keep up with that pace. Like this articlesuggests, many moms are quite stunned by the reality of motherhood and its burdens compared to what they expected it would be like too. The result becomes pervasive feelings of overwhelm, frustration, shame or inadequacy – all of which compound our stress levels and lead to fits of Mom Rage.

What Can We Do About It?

It’s so important for mothers experiencing mom rage to remember that you are not alone, and getting support is a sign of strength. Openly discussing mom rage can help reduce the stigma and shame associated with these emotions, and help you find more understanding, empathy, and effective strategies diffusing the fits of fury that are so common.

Here are some of my most practical strategies to start coping with and managing your Mom Rage right away –

Practice Self-Compassion For It – If you haven’t picked up on it already, this is a favorite of mine. Remember that it's so normal to feel overwhelmed and experience the intensity of rageful feelings. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge that you're doing your best in a challenging role. Speak to yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would offer a friend who is struggling, and remember that you only have to be a “good enough” mother (who makes mistakes) to be the best mom your little ones could have.

Expect It – When you feel overwhelmed and rageful, give yourself permission to experience it and step away for a few moments. Acknowledging how you feel can actually help diminish the power of the feeling and its effect over you. Take deep breaths, practice mindfulness, or engage in a calming activity to help reset your emotions and regulate your system so you can come back together feeling more composed.

Take Care of It – To help lessen the intensity of those rageful moments, it’s important to understand where it’s coming from for you. Anger is rarely a primary emotion, but rather one that accompanies a feeling that’s often more vulnerable – like fear, shame, sadness, ore regret. Carve out time (when you’re not angry) to self-reflect and explore your deeper emotions that may be fueling those fiery Mom Rage episodes. Journaling about your feelings, prioritizing quiet moments of mindful contemplation, or listening to podcasts (like this one!) that help you better hear your own experiences – all of these are great ways to take better care of your well-being and reduce your rage.

Ask for Help With It – Reach out to fellow moms, friends, or support groups (like my weekly support circle or my Moms In Bloom Collective FB group) where you can openly discuss your experiences and emotions without judgment. Remind yourself that perfection isn’t real (it never was), and it's okay to have moments (or days) when you aren’t at your best. Sharing your struggles and connecting with others who can relate can bring immense comfort and validation to your experiences, and accepting practical help or getting professional support can alleviate some of the flashes of fury that is Mom Rage.

Conclusion –

Motherhood is really not for the faint of heart. Your tolerance will be tried, your cortisol and adrenaline will flare, and your frustration will sometimes overtake you, wrestling you to the lowest of low grounds you thought imaginable – even when you had the best of intentions.

Occasional moments of Mom Rage are an inevitable part of the motherhood journey, but there are ways to support yourself and cultivate more calm along the way. 

By acknowledging and accepting all your emotions, understanding the underlying reasons for your rage, prioritizing your self-care, and developing effective coping tools, and seeking support when you need it, you can navigate these overwhelming emotions with greater ease. Remember that Mom Rage is a shared experience among many mothers, and you are the best mom your child can have – even at your worst.

Do you need support with unpacking and releasing the rage so you can better enjoy your experience of motherhood? Reach out to work with me! I’d love to help you too find the freedom in feeling understood and more calm as a mother!

**It’s important to note that sometimes Mom Rage is a symptom something more concerning, like a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, anxiety or depression. If your feelings or behavior of anger and rage are scary to you, get help right away. Postpartum Support International (PSI) has a directory of mental health providers, or you can contact me and I will connect you to someone who can help if I can’t. With support, you will feel better!