Breaking Out of The Default Parent Role
The concept of the "default parent" refers to the parent who is expected to take on the bulk of the household and childcare responsibilities, often without much discussion or explicit agreement — and it’s a role that many moms today know all too well.
For many mothers, this role is assumed almost automatically, influenced by societal expectations and deeply ingrained gender norms. Mothers in this position often find themselves managing the mental load of the family—planning meals, scheduling appointments, keeping track of school events, and ensuring everyone’s emotional and physical needs are met. This can feel overwhelming and exhausting, especially when the work is invisible or goes unrecognized. As the default parent, a mom may feel like she has to be "on" at all times, even when her partner is available, because she’s expected to have all the answers and solutions. This constant vigilance can leave her feeling drained and unappreciated, with little time for her own needs or interests.
Emotionally, being the default parent can lead to feelings of resentment and isolation too. Mothers in the position of “default parent” often report feeling like they bear the brunt of the family’s emotional labor and are rarely afforded the mental space to relax. It can be hard to ask for help when society perpetuates the idea that mothers should naturally handle these duties, and guilt often arises when a mom tries to set boundaries or delegate tasks. This pressure can strain relationships and erode a mother's sense of self, making it difficult to maintain a healthy balance between personal identity and parental roles.
For moms who feel stuck as the default parent, it’s important to recognize that asking for support and setting boundaries is not only valid, but essential. Open communication with a partner can help redistribute tasks, but it requires an honest discussion about the impact of the mental load and what each person contributes. Encourage your partner to take on more proactive responsibility (rather than waiting to be asked) and to share in the less visible aspects of family life, like planning and emotional caretaking. Be patient with them and yourself as you start this process too — breaking long-established dynamics takes time!
Remember, you’re doing an incredible job, even if it feels overwhelming or thankless at times. It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being, and doing so makes you a stronger, more present parent in the long run. Building a support system — whether through friends, family, or other moms in similar situations — can make a huge difference. And as always, self-compassion is key! You are more than your to-do list, and you deserve rest, recognition, and joy as much as anyone else in your family.
